Skip to main content

Are you there, world? It's me, Claudia.

Three days in a row?! 

I know, but Monday's was short; yesterday's was fluffy, like a bit of merengue left over on your dessert fork; and today's is technically a follow-up, so does that really count?

Those of you who are faithful peepers into my mind will recall the earlier post where I examine the bizarre role reversal of parent and child in the Kellyanne and George Conway household, courtesy of 15-year-old Claudia. Those who would like to get caught up, feel free to read the post.

Those remaining, or returning, you'll be happy to hear that Kellyanne's and George's ultimate sacrifice, putting their high profile careers on hold to become remedial, full-time parents, has - predictably - been a complete shitshow, with Claudia once again emerging as the star and undisputed champion. Survivor's Jeff Probst makes $8 million a year and can't moderate reality drama like Claudia does for free.

With more than 1 million followers on Tik Tok, Claudia offers a nonstop narrative into her adolescent angst and dysfunctional Beltway existence, including some pretty awesome glimpses of her mom, Bellatrix Le-Stranger, losing her mind. As before, I am not here to weigh in on behalf of Republican or Democrat, conservative or liberal, Trump or potted fern. I am simply in awe of a real-life character who is every ounce as entertaining (in a 15-car pileup kind of way) as the savage Kate McKinnon impression of her.

A disclaimer: I don't know Tik Tok. I don't watch Tik Tok. The first time I remember hearing about Tik Tok, and actually paying attention, was when Donald Trump announced he was considering banning the service unless it was sold to a US company. The explanation was that China was using, or could use somehow, the platform to...I don't remember exactly. But it was bad. And as we have learned, US companies don't do bad things, only foreign companies.

Now I'm thinking The Donald may have been trying to broker the deal because a 15-year-old dishwater blonde on antidepressants is kicking his ass around the block, around the clock. I'm not kidding: George Conway has been tweeting the idea that Trump is a dangerous Level I narcissist and sociopath for four years, and those bullets glanced off him like Nerf pellets. But Claudia Conway, she is the Black Widow of the (Washington) DC Cinematic Universe.

When did we find out that Kellyanne Conway - allegedly no longer a denizen of the West Wing - tested positive for COVID? When darling Claudia spilled the beans, of course, forcing Kellyanne to confirm, rather than spin, the news.

This New York Post clip shows snippets of an argument between Claudia and Kellyanne, live on camera, as Kellyanne demands her daughter retract the earlier assertion that she had lied about a negative COVID test result. It isn't clear if Claudia was mistaken or merely bullied into saying it was a mistake, but it doesn't matter. What matters is her savvy ability to capture and broadcast the whole thing through the Tik Tok platform, cutting off just as mommy Kellyanne shrieks, "are you still recording me?!"  

I don't have teenagers anymore and I am happy to report my two were never assholes, even when they were teenagers. My son could be sullen at times, and my daughter was a procrastinator like me, but compared to what the Conways are dealing with, every day was Christmas in the Gittelman household. I find it amazing and horrifying and delightful and completely bonkers that Claudia is simultaneously leading all of DC and the 24-hour news media on a Monster-fueled chase while driving her parents, deservingly, into a room with padded walls. 

As for her influence on the forthcoming election, that is something currently being debated, likely in closed door sessions as well as across the Twitterverse. Claudia comments regularly about Trump, urging her followers to vote him out and, well, calling him not-very-nice names. She also said the president's medical condition is worse than what's being depicted. Which, let's face it, is what a lot of people are saying, including doctors. But the fact that this teen has a backstage pass and is saying it is somehow more validating. More validating! We are truly living in Bizarro-World.

Six years ago Donald Trump began his candidacy, which literally millions thought was a publicity stunt, by vowing to "drain the swamp." Today the swamp is many times...swampier? Cabinet and staff positions have been revolving doors, with occupants quitting, being fired, getting indicted, even going to jail. And, most recently, falling ill with COVID-19 thanks, it would seem, to an environment that mocked even the most casual of preventive courtesies. 

So much for draining the swamp, unless the intention was to do drain it, dredge it, and build an even bigger, smellier, more repulsive swamp. 

But we have retained that thirst for the outsider's viewpoint, the independent voice. We still want to hear what people who have nothing to lose have to say about things. Now that we have experienced reading unfiltered, unedited, un-spellchecked rants, fat-fingered directly from a toilet in the White House at all hours of the night and day, we are more than open to hearing from just about anyone with a viewpoint and two thumbs.

Enter Claudia Conway, teen avenger. 

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Meet the F#ckers

My grandcat is an a$$hole.

I love her, and she is so pretty, but she’s a huge a$$hole. Her brother is much more lovable but he comes with his own challenges.

It’s Week Six? Seven? Don’t know, time has no meaning in the Upside Down. It’s whatever week it is, and my wife should be ecstatic but she is not. She should be ecstatic because our 20-something children are home with us again, ejected from their normal lives by COVID-19. Six months ago this would have been the best possible state of affairs, together again with those closest to us. The band reunited for one, spectacular farewell tour.

Of course, how could we have known that the band would be a cage match featuring REO Speedwagon, the Grateful Dead and Neckdeep, with Gilbert Gottfried as the opening act? There’s a reason no one should know how sausage is made; this is the reason.

As of today, here’s who’s/what’s in my house:

My Wife, trying desperately to balance working from home with not working from home. As a sideline she cond…

Holy shirt.

In Annie they sang, “you’re never fully dressed without a smile.” I guess by those standards I’m naked.
Since the pandemic began – what my daughter and her boyfriend call “the ‘rona” – I have kind of let myself go. In the beginning, communications about the whole COVID thing were fast and furious, and I was sitting at my dining room table trying my best to keep up while my newly expanded family swirled around me. You can get a flavor for that moment in time in my earlier blog post.
It was 7 days a week, 12-plus hours a day, for a while – a few weeks at least. And I was focused on the work, plain and simple. Hunched over my laptop like a gargoyle atop Notre Dame, ultimately consigned to a bunker I built in my basement. (Public gratitude to my wife and kids for their help excavating.) 
I didn’t much care what I looked like. I was shaving every three or four days. I had doubled down on T-shirts and basketball shorts. I didn’t wear socks for a month, maybe more. I was working on a Miami Beac…

The fault in our bipolar stars

 Kanye West for President.No, wait – I’m sorry – that wasn’t an endorsement, I was just reading aloud, shaking my head and rummaging around the kitchen for more bourbon.If you’re in Pennsylvania, you don’t need to worry because he won’t be on the ballot. But let’s be clear: if you do, for any reason, feel compelled to throw your vote away in an entirely invisible gesture that seems to say, “I don’t believe things could get any worse than they are right now, so let’s dance!” know that you can always write-in a vote for West, or his wife Kim, or their daughter NorthShort aside: While I condemn Kanye and Kim for imposing their dipshit reality-show-gone-awry cooties on their progeny, a not-small part of me is absolutely salivating at the prospect of an autobiography from their first born someday. It would be called North by North West, and she would have no idea why that’s funny.I am not a rap fan, which will not surprise anyone. Although I knew his name, I first became aware of Kanye W…