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Showing posts from October, 2020

America runs on Dunkin'

I am nauseous writing this. Or, if you’re a grammar Nazi: nauseated. I don’t usually feel this way but I remember election night four years ago and this is hauntingly familiar. In 2016 I had been a lifelong Republican, at one point a card-carrying, money-donating, Rush Limbaugh-listening Republican. My father was a Republican committeeman in Northeast Philadelphia when I was little. Being Republican in Philadelphia is a little like being a Dallas Cowboys fan in Philadelphia. Sure, they exist, but sparsely; and they are cautiously selective about when to reveal themselves. I distributed flyers and door hangers for Richard Nixon and Arlen Specter.  Then I grew up and became my own man, a Thinking Man. In 1996 I cringed when the invisible people moving Bob Dole’s mechanical arm (and mouth) dug in their heels on unimportant things like flag burning and vague “family values.” But I voted for Dole anyway. I voted for W, twice; and yes, I feel vindicated in case you’re wondering!  I v

Are you there, world? It's me, Claudia.

Three days in a row?!  I know, but Monday's was short; yesterday's was fluffy, like a bit of merengue left over on your dessert fork; and today's is technically a follow-up, so does that really count? Those of you who are faithful peepers into my mind will recall the earlier post where I examine the bizarre role reversal of parent and child in the Kellyanne and George Conway household, courtesy of 15-year-old Claudia . Those who would like to get caught up, feel free  to read the post. Those remaining, or returning, you'll be happy to hear that Kellyanne's and George's ultimate sacrifice, putting their high profile careers on hold to become remedial, full-time parents, has - predictably - been a complete shitshow, with Claudia once again emerging as the star and undisputed champion. Survivor's Jeff Probst makes $8 million a year and can't moderate reality drama like Claudia does for free. With more than 1 million followers on Tik Tok , Claudia offers a

Bob and Lando and Ted and Jabba

In a lot of ways Star Wars has always been an analog for life.  It didn’t start out that way. It started as a George Lucas penned homage to a 1950s samurai movie , The Hidden Fortress . Of course it has become so much more than a tribute. It’s become an actual universe in a way that Lucas never could have foreseen in the 1970s and Marvel can only aspire to. (Though, fueled by Disney dollars, they are aspiring their asses off!) One of the paradoxes that exists within Star Wars takes place in the first seconds of the first film episode, which would later be renamed Chapter IV: A New Hope . Even before the iconic text crawl , the film starts with the words, “A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away.” And then everything we see beyond this is not ancient to us, but futuristic and fantastic. The “long time ago” narration is forgotten instantly, and permanently, other than when we were forced to watch the prequels AFTER the original trilogy and then the new trilogy after the original c

The barber's kids go bald

I need a haircut. I mean, really – I so badly need a haircut. In my neighborhood I can go to the butch dudes’ barber shop, where the hipsters go. But I would have to make an appointment days in advance, even though it's corona-time; and my goatee is so ordinary I feel judged in there. I could go to the old dudes’ barber shop, but the last time I went there I had a woman barber who I didn’t realize was a woman until I looked at the receipt and it said, “Shirley.” She looked and smelled like Mac’s mom on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia . No thanks. I could go to the retail hair styling chain with the race car sponsorship and the mobile app. The staff there is a revolving door and the margin of error is wide but the wait is reasonable and it meets the absolute minimum viable definition of a haircut. I could go to the franchise Sports Bros’ place but I find it oddly inappropriate to have a cheerleader rest her boobs on my shoulder while cutting my hair. I have nothing against