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Are you there, world? It's me, Claudia.

Three days in a row?! I know, but Monday's was short; yesterday's was fluffy, like a bit of merengue left over on your dessert fork; and today's is technically a follow-up, so does that really count?Those of you who are faithful peepers into my mind will recall the earlier post where I examine the bizarre role reversal of parent and child in the Kellyanne and George Conway household, courtesy of 15-year-old Claudia. Those who would like to get caught up, feel free to read the post.Those remaining, or returning, you'll be happy to hear that Kellyanne's and George's ultimate sacrifice, putting their high profile careers on hold to become remedial, full-time parents, has - predictably - been a complete shitshow, with Claudia once again emerging as the star and undisputed champion. Survivor's Jeff Probst makes $8 million a year and can't moderate reality drama like Claudia does for free.With more than 1 million followers on Tik Tok, Claudia offers a nonstop…
Recent posts

Bob and Lando and Ted and Jabba

In a lot of ways Star Wars has always been an analog for life. It didn’t start out that way. It started as a George Lucas penned homage to a 1950s samurai movie, The Hidden Fortress. Of course it has become so much more than a tribute. It’s become an actual universe in a way that Lucas never could have foreseen in the 1970s and Marvel can only aspire to. (Though, fueled by Disney dollars, they are aspiring their asses off!)One of the paradoxes that exists within Star Wars takes place in the first seconds of the first film episode, which would later be renamed Chapter IV: A New Hope. Even before the iconic text crawl, the film starts with the words, “A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away.” And then everything we see beyond this is not ancient to us, but futuristic and fantastic. The “long time ago” narration is forgotten instantly, and permanently, other than when we were forced to watch the prequels AFTER the original trilogy and then the new trilogy after the original characters…

The barber's kids go bald

I need a haircut. I mean, really – I so badly need a haircut.In my neighborhood I can go to the butch dudes’ barber shop, where the hipsters go. But I would have to make an appointment days in advance, even though it's corona-time; and my goatee is so ordinary I feel judged in there.I could go to the old dudes’ barber shop, but the last time I went there I had a woman barber who I didn’t realize was a woman until I looked at the receipt and it said, “Shirley.” She looked and smelled like Mac’s mom on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. No thanks.I could go to the retail hair styling chain with the race car sponsorship and the mobile app. The staff there is a revolving door and the margin of error is wide but the wait is reasonable and it meets the absolute minimum viable definition of a haircut.I could go to the franchise Sports Bros’ place but I find it oddly inappropriate to have a cheerleader rest her boobs on my shoulder while cutting my hair. I have nothing against cheerleader…

The humanity factor: Pick your poison

Lots of people have drawn parallels between UK prime minister Boris Johnson and our own lovable commander-in-chief Donald Trump. Examples include their mutual conservative leanings, nationalist screamings and wispy – Brits might say “candyfloss” – hair. If you want to see an entertaining comparison of the two that might end with you wishing you were a Royal subject instead of a colonist, watch John Oliver’s expose from a year or so ago.More recently Johnson and Trump have shared membership in the “screwed the pooch on COVID” club. Johnson famously began the journey suggesting that building widespread COVID immunity through mass infection was the way to go, while Trump went for the far simpler, “this is not the pandemic you’re looking for” Jedi mind trick. Neither worked and, since then, both have had to moderate their approaches and modulate their rhetoric – somewhat. But differences remain.For one thing, the US has over 208,000 COVID related deaths, which is the worst possible statis…

Insurance is a four-letter word

Dear Readers,I have been ghosting you for the last several weeks, and for this I am sorry. I have excuses, sure. I’m a man, after all, and as any woman can tell you, a dude has nothing if he don’t have a whole pocketful of excuses.For starters the rising temperature in political rhetoric has me somewhat traumatized. It’s impossible to escape, even though I’ve seriously curbed my intake of news and commentary. But you can’t avoid it entirely, not by quarantine, not by turning the TV off. It seeps through, and it’s ugly.Then there’s work. I work in the insurance industry and if you want to see what it’s like to be universally vilified, mention the words “insurance company” to someone at a party. Many people think Donald Trump is the human incarnation of Satan himself, but you still have a better chance of finding someone who will defend him at a cocktail party than you do finding someone to say a nice word about insurance companies.Which is unfair, by the way, because the very origin an…

The fault in our bipolar stars

 Kanye West for President.No, wait – I’m sorry – that wasn’t an endorsement, I was just reading aloud, shaking my head and rummaging around the kitchen for more bourbon.If you’re in Pennsylvania, you don’t need to worry because he won’t be on the ballot. But let’s be clear: if you do, for any reason, feel compelled to throw your vote away in an entirely invisible gesture that seems to say, “I don’t believe things could get any worse than they are right now, so let’s dance!” know that you can always write-in a vote for West, or his wife Kim, or their daughter NorthShort aside: While I condemn Kanye and Kim for imposing their dipshit reality-show-gone-awry cooties on their progeny, a not-small part of me is absolutely salivating at the prospect of an autobiography from their first born someday. It would be called North by North West, and she would have no idea why that’s funny.I am not a rap fan, which will not surprise anyone. Although I knew his name, I first became aware of Kanye W…

About-To-Be-Fuller House

Kellyanne Conway is leaving the Trump White House. Her devoted husband and arch nemesis George Conway is leaving The Lincoln Project. Both cite family – particularly their four children who are in middle and high school, about to embark on a new scholastic year from inside the pandemic – as the reason. If your Spidey sense is tingling, don’t worry, this is not a political rant. I’m not weighing in on either side, Kellyanne or George. As most people know, SHE is a high-stakes, high-powered political operative who rode The Donald all the way to Pennsylvania Avenue; and HE is an attorney and outspoken critic of the President. It sounds like the premise of a rom-com starring Reese Witherspoon and it-doesn’t-matter-who-else because Reese wins in the end; but it’s the real life family drama that has been playing out before our fascinated eyes since Donald’s win in 2016. Kellyanne has been the everpresent political assassin and front person for the White House, kind of like the teenage hit-g…